What do you think of my poem: "My White Wedding Gown"?

My white wedding gown,

A dream I once owned,

Creeping in the loneliness,

Tearing me in madness.



I see my wonderful wedding,

In a flowery fantasy garden,

A bed with petal rose bedding,

Where we create our own heaven.



Waking up from my delightful dream,

I found myself missing you,

I found myself being grim,

Wanting to be with you.

What do you think of my poem: "My White Wedding Gown"?
The poem has a good overall feel, but some of the lines are awkward...for example, "creeping in the loneliness"...what is creeping? the gown or the loneliness? if it's the loneliness that's creeping in, you need to punctuate it so it reads, "creeping in: the loneliness". Also, "tearing me in madness"..."in madness"? "tearing" is an active verb, "madness" is a state of being...it's like saying, "hurting me in fat"...it doesn't work. I can see what you're trying to say, but it doesn't flow the way it should. "tearing me in two" works because "two" describes what the tearing does..you can "drive me to madness", but you can't "drive me in madness"...do you see the difference? Next, your use of "bed" and "bedding" sounds redundant...and "petal rose" is a distracting, awkward word order...just say "rose petal"...if you need to keep the word "bed", try, "A bed with rose petal stuffing" or "padding"...something other than "bedding". You then say, "waking up from my delightful dream"...yet earlier you said you "once owned" the dream...which implies that you no longer own it, so you can't wake up from it. Take another look at that line. Then, you use "found", which is out of time with the previous stanza...just say "I find myself...". Finally, "grim" is a very powerful word...be sure it's exactly what you want to convey. Grim means, "Unrelenting; rigid. Uninviting or unnerving in aspect; forbidding." Make sure this is what you mean or change the line to say what you really intend to express.



Your poem actually reads better than you might conclude from my comments; it's the nuances that keep it from being as good as it might become. Work on it and you'll have a tight, strong poem.



...and keep writing
Reply:It's very good... nice imagery and expression
Reply:A poem as pretty as a wedding gown.
Reply:This is not about me
Reply:Very nice, that Stooge is one lucky guy
Reply:cutee poemm. kinda sad...
Reply:Nice poem, draws a bittersweet picture of you yearning for your love.
Reply:Its a sweet n cute poem.Very nice.
Reply:NICE

i like it

but then again i like all Ur poems
Reply:I got the feeling your mate passed away, any who, Loved the write, short, simple and plenty of room to read between the lines *^_^*