This is my first wedding and I am my moms onlky daughter. So you would think she would be happy right? First of all she's mad because we have been engaged 3 years and we are just getting married now. Has been making comments about selling dress we bought and selling all the stuff we got so far. Well now we have set a date. It's in a beautiful rose garden in a gazebo which happens to be built above a freeway so she makes comments about that. Then there's the comments that its 1.5 hours away from where we live.NOW...I have asked a friend who Ive known 6 years to be in my weding and because my mom "has a bad feelng" about her she said if she's in the wedding she's not coming. I told her I didn't know I needed her permission on who, what and where and when to have my wedding. My moms sick and I swore if I didn't get married before she died i'd never get married. I am 36 years old. Ive tried to tell her how I feel and she just don't listen. I don't want it to be like this. Help.
Mom is being difficult about wedding plans...?
I can imagine how this situation is tough on you. I´m going thru the same thing, only Mom doesn´t put that much pressure and isn´t sick thank God. But make sure you plan YOUR wedding as YOU and YOUR HUSBAND want it to be. Learn to be gentil and subtile enough to make your mom understand that it´s your call and that everything is under control.
Be strong and try to stick to what YOU want because planning on a wedding can be very excrutiating especially if your are the kind that tends to please the others.
Good Luck!!!
Reply:yikes! here are some ideas because you mention that your mom is sick, and the place is an hour and a half away, because i dont know you i dont know if your sick mom is just someone who is always sick and will outlive all of you after making all of you sick first with her emotional blackmail, or, if you just really annoy her on purpose, but no, of course it is not supposed to be this way, silly!
if it was me and i was interested in making my sick mom comfortable with my plans i would have her spend quality time with me and my friend she does not like and maybe the friend would grow on her. i would drive her to my choice of wedding venue and show her the place. i would make sure she would not have a single worry as to travel and her comfort. i would go the extra mile to UNDERSTAND her problems with my plans.
i looked at your pix of your wedding site sure it is pretty, but i still dont get it, where is the reception going to be? are you going make people drive and hour and a half to have a short ceremony there and then there will be an hour and a half drive back to your town for a reception? is that what she objects to? i would be furious with you too. i would not go either. that is wayyyyyy too much to ask of people any people, not just your mom, who you say does not listen to you but i think there is some of you not at all listening to her!!! way way way way too much. have i made my point? if you are planning to have a ceremony there outside in august and then a reception in an indoor place very close by then you can make it lovely for your sick mom by reassuring her you got her her own suite in the best nearby hotel for the night before and the night of the wedding. and you can offer the names of availabe lodging and food to other guests who will have to travel there. and if you need to, arrange transportation for her and them too. this is how it is done if people must travel.
this is what someone does when someone is exhibiting good manners. good manners when you are 36 with 2 children already and this is your second marrige or relationship is you take pains to make this event comfortable and happy for others. you arent a 20 year old virgin bride, but i am getting a bad feeling too that you are choosing not to be aware of things going on around you, such as how difficult a long drive can be on a sick woman or people who have never been to this place before.
there is a trend for brides to expect people to travel to weddings. there is another trend for brides to envision romantic outdoor settings with no thought to what the setting will be like if the day is cold or rainy or windy, making the event difficult on people. these things are fine if the bride and her family provide the means for the guests to travel and hospitaility for them when they arrive and have provided tents and covers for people if the weather is bad. it is just crazy to expect people to have to plan and pay for entire vacations just to attend a wedding or to spend entire days in cars going to distant cities they are not familiar with to attend a short event, i have done both. i am still angry with those brides and their ignorant, selfish families and i will never do it again.
so you can choose to do it your way and be uninterested in how difficult this is for others, or, you can knock yourself out to make it an easy and happy occasion for them, i am constantly blown away on this page by all the women who post answers every day that 'it is your day so do what you want, dont let anyone tell you what to do' and i say to that, if they dont care about anyone else but themselves on their wedding day, they richly deserve to spend their wedding day by themselves!!!!!
Reply:She is definately stepping over the line and being quite childish at that. You really need to sit her down before you let her help with any more of the wedding. Tell her that this wedding is for you and your fiancé and that you are the ones making final decisions on every aspect of it. If she doesn't like it, then she is not required to attend. This is the only wedding you will ever have and of course you want it to be perfect. Right now, she is casting a dark shadow over it and that isn't fair to you. You may have to prepare yourself for leaving her out of it entirely. My husband and I were engaged for 5 years before our wedding and even though we got A LOT of grief about it, we had the wedding we wanted with no input from anyone else. We paid for our entire wedding by ourselves. That may also be something that you need to prepare yourself for if you haven't already. Her money shouldn't decide your happiness. You really only get one chance to do it right - don't let her stop you. If it means just leaving her out of the planning until she can be reasonable, then do it and if you have to get married without her input, then so be it. Her being sick does not give her permission to behave in this manner. Her involvement at this point is going to frustrate you to the point that it will dampen your spirits on what should be the happiest day of your life. Good luck and congratulations!
Reply:Well I wonder if aa non-conflic type chat with your mother would help! First of all this is YOUR wedding not hers! You have to do it YOUR way if thats what makes you and fiance happy! If your mother chooses not to attend because of who else goes or what plans you make, then it is her lose! It may make you sad, but she will regret the choice later. She is trying to control your plans by threatening to sell things you bought for the wedding. You could find those things and store them at a different house/location so she cant do that! Who paid for it all? If she paid for all of it, then you might need to say ok mom, have your way, I'll start over! Yes a pain in the butt but you can do a nice wedding rather inexpensively! Do you really want to get married or are you just doing it for your mother before she dies? Think about that one and the reasons you arefinally getting married before you make the leap! You can always think about making comprimises while planning your wedding. There are probably things your mother doesnt agree with and you may not like ALL her ideas but are there some things you can change willingly without affecting you too much that will make her happy too? If you had been READY to get married 3 years ago- you would have! It is about YOUR life (and fiance's life and no one elses. This is your FIRST and hopefully LAST wedding. You are the one that has to live with the choices you make!
Reply:You can only do so much! Make sure the invitation is extended, and encourage her to attend - but if she's being difficult, there isn't much you can do about it. Do the best you can not to escalate.
Reply:This is my first wedding, implies you have been married before. Engagements can last a while. However did your mother buy your dress? If she did, then you buy this dress and pay her back.. That's called adult responsibility. Next, she's mad because of your financial loss from selling stuff that you got so far. Try to bring peace with your dear mother. If your mother is ill, then try to make her happy on your delayed wedding. Do you mean there are no places closer to your home that have rose gardens? Are you driving 1.5 hours away or flying? If you are paying for the wedding, then have it your way. If your mother and father are paying for your wedding, then they have the say so. Otherwise, find the minister and have a reception in the rose garden.
Reply:I suggest that if mom is ill, it may be best if you don't mention the wedding plans at all (or change the subject if others bring it up). You are 36 years old. You and your fiance are perfectly capable of planning and paying for your wedding yourselves! If discussing the wedding with mom causes friction, then don't discuss it with mom. You can plan the wedding, pay for the wedding, and don't ask for mom's advice or input on anything. Get everything ready, and send her an invitation. If she decides to come to the wedding, she is welcome. If she decides not to come . . . well, that's her decision, and she is the one who has to live with it. Good luck to you.
Reply:Parents always have a hard time with what they think is right and wrong. If those are the decisions you are making about your wedding then she needs to honor them. Don't let her guilt you into changing your plans. It's your day and no others. Also, you are totally old enough to make your own decisions. It's not like you're 20 or 21 and she's still trying to play the role of very concerned mom. If she doesn't like it then don't let up. If you let up now, things will just dominoe until the whole wedding is her idea. Be Strong, Patient and Assertive! Good Luck
Reply:what is it with mothers?
my mother is being difficult too. first, yesterday she asks me what last name i am going to use on my wedding invitations. she had me go by her maiden name my entire life. my legal last name, which i use now, is my father's last name. they are divorced.
i tell her probably my legal last name since i have been using it for the last 4 years.
then she cries because she wants to walk me down the aisle and not my father.
i haven't even thought about any of this yet.....
and she is already making a bid deal.
my suggestions for you are to voice these opinions to your mother and talk about how they make you feel. it's your day and she should be enjoying herself instead of getting worked up over everything.
my mother has very bad anxiety problems. your mother sounds similar to my own.
good luck.
Reply:I fear my mother would do this sort of thing.
I told my BF that if we get engaged he must agree to one thing - - - if any family member gets too pushy about the details or puts their nose into our plans without being asked for their help then we elope and send out announcements that included the guilty party's name, such as:
X and Y marriee on jan 1, 2008 because X's Mom wanted to do all the plans and having the wedding her way and X and Y wanted to do it their way.
Reply:You can't control how she feels. All you can do is go on with your plans. When she issues these ultimatums, just say "Okay, Mom" and keep doing what you're doing.
Reply:Wedding planning is a nightmare, especially with parents. Your mom might be having a problem losing total control. Once you're married things change and you have to consult with your husband rather than your mother. I know your 36 years old but your mother sounds like she's treating you like a child again. Tell her to back off and to allow you the right to make the choices, it's your wedding.
In the end, it could just be the guy you're marrying. She might not like him or something. It sounds like she's not very accepting of him.
The last thing is you made the mistake of saying you needed her approval before she 'died' or else you weren't getting married so...she's just doing her part then.
Reply:I'm so sorry you're in this situation.
Tell her how important she is to you and how you want her to be happy for you. Then tell her that she is making it hard for you to enjoy this time in your life.
It may be that she just wants everything to be just so and is afraid she can't make that happen because she is sick. You're 36 and certainly able to make your own decisions. Try not to let her every word influence you. Pick the battles you want to fight and try to ignore the rest.
Good luck.
safety shoes
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